Quote:
Originally Posted by Fastgirl
The start to middle is a bit Mills & Boons...where I think it picked up..... '' I carried her in my arms through the living'' .......from there you had more continuity with the feel of the story. You have to stick to one format...erotica....or Mills & Boons type stuff. Erotica is more base in the descriptions of describing each act and the feelings of each person and what they want and proceed to do. This line.....'' Over the top of her gagging''.....I would change to something like.....'' As I watched her take my cock into her mouth she looked up at me with pure lust, she knew what she was doing....as I watched her she worked her way down my shaft and took my tight sensative balls into her mouth moaning softly.......it was driving me insane...if she didnt stop soon I knew Id blow into her beautiful mouth......
or something like that.  Also you have repeated yourself a few times...this can lose a reader in keeping the fantasy going, you have to keep a rhythm with erotic/romantic fiction writing.
I liked it though...well done! |
I hear what you are saying.
I've never been a pool cleaner before..
The gagging comment was based on the "Oh my" prior. She was trying to take all of it. (I never knew a chick could get your balls in her mouth too, i need to find me a woman with a bigger head and a deeper throat).
More base in description.
O.K.
I'll definately give it a go. Now i know i can get it up here (boom boom tish) i dont see why i cant be more depraved.
More base like this? \/
Quote:
She was gobbing my boner, moaning like the slut she was.
I was getting bored, you've had one, you've had them all.
Time to take control.
I gently placed my hands on her head, then closed my fists around her hair and smiled.
I calmly pushed her head back untill i was just inside her lips and then thrust.
She gagged.
I withdrew just far enough for her to swallow and drove it back in.
Again she gagged.
I continued to bury myself into her face, ignoring her vomitis coughs, fucking her skull with my raging hard cock trying to blow the top off her head.
The warm drool dripping from her chin was now hanging from my ever tightening balls.
Grunting with each penetrative drive i gripped harder.
"You dirty fucking whorebag". I growled.
I pulled my shoulders back, held her face tight against my body and blew straight in the back of her throat.
Three mighty spasms and i was done.
|
Or is that a bit angry?
