For funny emails/jokes/vids/pics - that dont deserve their own thread

[Phildo]

[lizardqueen]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.' The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?' The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.' The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!' The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

[Reidstah]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. "MY ROLEX!"

[D'Artagnan]

Dear madam:

Thank you for your recent order from our sex toys shop.

you asked for the large red vibrator as featured on our wall display.

please select another item because that is our fire extinguisher.

[Rat750]

Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!'
Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'

************************************************** ************************************************
Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.'
TWA 2341: 'Center, we are at 35,000 feet.
How much noise can we make up here?'
Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a
747 makes when it hits a 727?'

************************************************** **************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:
'I'm f...ing bored!'
Ground Traffic Control:
'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!'
Unknown aircraft: 'I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!'

************************************************** ************************************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.'
United 329: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this..
I've got the little Fokker in sight.'

************************************************** **************************************************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, 'What was your last known position?'
Student: 'When I was number one for takeoff.'

************************************************** *************************************************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.
If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.'

************************************************** **************************************************

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German):
' Ground, what is our start clearance time?'
Ground (in English):
'If you want an answer you must speak in English.'
Lufthansa (in English):
'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany .
Why must I speak English?'
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
'Because you lost the bloody war!'



*** ************************************************** ***********************************************

Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7'
Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure.
By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind
of dead animal on the far end of the runway.'
Tower: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7.
Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?'
BR Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger;
and yes, we copied Eastern...
we've already notified our caterers.'

************************************************** ************************************************** *

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the
Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
'What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?'
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours
and I'll have enough parts for another one.'

************************************************** **************************************************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground controland a British Airways 747,
call sign Speedbird 206 .
Speedbird 206: ' Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway.'
Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.'
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'
Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.'
G round (with quite arrogant impatience):
'Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?'
Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, --
And I didn't land.'

************************************************** ***********************************************

While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!'

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: 'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'

'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
'Wasn't I married to you once?'

[Rob]

This is a snake pulling a dead kangaroo out of the water. Talk about a man eater! This picture is from
Western Australia. Take a careful look at thispicture; see the size of the snake and the kangaroobeing pulled
out of the water.

[Xuaxace]

There was a thread about that picture a while ago. People thought it was a fakey, apparently the snake tried pull it out for hours but no joy lol

[Melchior]

Holy shit I aint swimming there! That thing is hooge.

[NanoBear]

There was a thread about that picture a while ago. People thought it was a fakey, apparently the snake tried pull it out for hours but no joy lol

Apparently its a wallaby of some sort and an olive python. But even given its a wallaby, I've never seen an olive python that big before.

[Mockery]

the funny bit is, in america the email says that the kangaroo is a cow...

[pottz]

silly yanks, how the hell does that look like a cow!!??

looks like somewhere around Karijini national park?

anyway dont give pumpkins too much booze......

[PolishDude]

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support ,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower
and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as:
* Romance 9.5 and
* Personal Attention 6.5,

and then installed undesirable programs such as :

* GAA 5.0,
* RUGBY 3.0 and
* Golf Clubs 4.1 .

Also Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply
crashes the system.

* Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.

[RICO]

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)


2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

And the personal favourite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)


Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!

One for the ladies


One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'

And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'


-----------------------------------------------------------


'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

-----------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour


-----------------------------------------------------------

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'


-----------------------------------------------------------

[Rob]

The Man Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys' side of the story.

(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear" the rules"
From t he female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problemonly if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus didNOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have noidea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that .

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
orgolf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1.. I am in shape.RoundIS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that! ? It's like camping.

[Reidstah]

Nice Rob, reminded me of this.

The International Council of Manlaws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following
circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be
legally killed and eaten by his mates.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister
is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is
forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is
unsuitable.

7: No bloke shall ever be required to buy a birthday present
for another bloke. In fact, even remembering your mate's
birthday is strictly optional.
At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the
birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops,
not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event,
you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may
never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have
brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers
for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially
your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a
topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you
allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated
as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the
ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman
must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice
of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be
talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend
of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your
response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while
lifting weights:

(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a toilet unless you are on equal
footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For
all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the
conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on
longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch
by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a
friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're
feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each
other again before the discussion occurs about what a big
mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not
acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime
green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!"
gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever.

29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do
you really know the difference between them? In an effort to
keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with his mates,
being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts
to say, "are you
still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with his mates
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping
your wife on the @ss and having the balls to say, "You're next fatty!"
I hope this clears up any confusion,

[harns]

[carlos]

Reidstah: awesome manlaw list

Harns: Brilliant ;P

[harns]

moar lols

[zed7fiddy]

> Attorney : What gear were you in at the moment of the
> impact ?
> Witness : Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
> --------- ------
> Attorney : This myasthenia gravis you have, does it
> affect your memory at all ?
> Witness : Yes.
> Attorney : And in what ways does it affect your memory ?
> Witness : I forget.
> Attorney : You forget ? Can you give us an example of
> something you forgot ?
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
> --------- ------
> Attorney : What was the first thing your husband said to
> you that morning ?
> Witness : He said, 'Where are you Cathy ?'
> Attorney : And why did that upset you ?
> Witness : My name is Susan !
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
> --------- ------
> Attorney : Do you know if your daughter has ever been
> involved in voodoo ?
> Witness : We both do.
> Attorney : Voodoo ?
> Witness : We do.
> Attorney : You do ?
> Witness : Yes, voodoo.
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
> --------- ------
> Attorney : Now doctor, isn't it true that when a
> person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until
> the next morning ?
> Witness : Did you actually pass the bar exam ?
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
> --------- ------
> Attorney : The youngest son, the twenty-one-year- old,
> how old is he ?
> Witness : Uh, he's twenty-one.
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
> --------- ------
> Attorney : Were you present when your picture was taken ?
>
> Witness : Are you kidding me ?
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
> --------- ------
> Attorney : So the date of conception (of the baby) was
> August 8th ?
> Witness : Yes.
> Attorney : And what were you doing at that time ?
> Witness : Uh.... I guess I was having sex !
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
> --------- ------
> Attorney : She had three children, right ?
> Witness : Yes.
> Attorney : How many were boys ?
> Witness : None.
> Attorney : Were there any girls ?
> Witness : Your Honor, I think I need a different
> attorney. Can I get a new attorney ?
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
> --------- ------
> Attorney : How was your first marriage terminated ?
> Witness : By death.
> Attorney : And by whose death was it terminated ?
> Witness : Now whose death do you suppose terminated it ?
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
> --------- ------
> Attorney : Can you describe the individual ?
> Witness : He was about medium height and had a beard.
> Attorney : Was this person a male or a female ?
> Witness : You guess.
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
> --------- ------
> Attorney : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant
> to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney ?
> Witness : No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
> --------- ------
> Attorney : Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
> performed on dead people ?
> Witness : All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
> Would you like to rephrase that ?
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
> --------- ------
> Attorney : ALL your responses MUST be oral, okay ? Now,
> what school did you go to ?
> Witness : Oral.
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
> --------- ------
> Attorney : Do you recall the time that you examined the
> body ?
> Witness : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> Attorney : And Mr. Denton was dead at the time ?
> Witness : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why
> I was doing an autopsy on him !
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
> --------- ------
> Attorney : Are you qualified to give a urine sample ?
> Witness : Huh....are you qualified to ask that question
> ?
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
> --------- ------
>
> --- And the best for last: ---
> Attorney : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did
> you check for a pulse ?
> Witness : No.
> Attorney : Did you check for blood pressure ?
> Witness : No.
> Attorney : Did you check for breathing ?
> Witness : No.
> Attorney : So, then it is possible that the patient was
> alive when you began the autopsy ?
> Witness : No.
> Attorney : How can you be so sure, Doctor ?
> Witness : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
> jar.
> Attorney : I see, but could the patient have still been
> alive, nevertheless ?
> Witness : Yes, it is possible that he could have been
> alive and practicing law.

[Diesal]

The Wisdom of Larry the cable guy......

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.