For funny emails/jokes/vids/pics - that dont deserve their own thread

[Captain Starfish]

Doing the email rounds today, it would seem. Why am I thinking of FJSteve at the moment?

Subject: Supportive husbands

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the question; I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get in.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house. It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of the Day', but I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Ron died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanleyscrewdriver rammed up his ar*e with only 2 inches showing.

[FJ Steve]

FOR SALE:

Complete and incomplete sets of Screwdrivers...all sizes. Must go...before 4.00pm today.

[Captain Starfish]

Thanks mods, forgot about this thread.

[Rob]

Never Take men shopping against their will



BANNED FROMK- MART...........

This is why women should not take men shopping against their
will.

DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her
husband accompany her on her trips toK-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping
boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she
loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from
her local K-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and may be
forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.
Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
M&M's on lay-b y.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a
carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he
began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it
as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10 November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed a foetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE
VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least ..

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Regards,
K -Mart..

[RICO]

Sorry for the Caps, cut and pasted

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.'

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'POWERGEN' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!'

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT'

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE'
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!' SHE SAYS
'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK'

'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'TAYLOR WOODROW' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!'

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'
SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.'

HE SAID,
'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?'

SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE 'BETTY CROCKER' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'

[optimal]

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to
take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know,
take
it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd
forgotten
to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying
"Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak
with
Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in
number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe
that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct
number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the
last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number
again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled " You're an
arsehole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word
'arsehole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple
of
weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call
him
up and yell, " You're an arsehole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'arsehole'
calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from
Telstra. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID
Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an
arsehole!"


One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking
spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot
I
had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been
waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For
Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first arsehole ( I
had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the
BMW
arsehole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said.

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house,
and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an arsehole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to
my
speed dial, too.


Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call. Then I
came
up with an idea. I called Arsehole #1.

"Hello." "You're an arsehole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Arsehole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house,
with
my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, arsehole," and hung up.



Then I called Arsehole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, arsehole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, arsehole, here's your chance. I'm coming over
right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I
lived
at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there
to
kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war
going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there
just in time to watch two arseholes beating the crap out of each
other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and
a
news crew.

NOW I feel much better.


Anger management really works...

[Dubs]

Not a funny email but i found THIS whilst trawling ebay this morning



Ive seen chicken fillets before, but ASS fillets?


Dubs

[Tuscadero]

Not a funny email but i found THIS whilst trawling ebay this morning


Dubs

PSB Chrissie prezzie?

How do I link this to the "Beautiful Bottoms" Thread?

[rod]

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[FireStorm]

Got this one today. these always give me a giggle.


Greetings,

I have interest of investing in your country as well as seek your services in a private and confidential matter. I am a senior Auditor heading computing department here in our bank.

On my routine inspection I discovered a dormant domiciliary account with a Balance of ($10.850 Million USD}.I write to seek your indulgence and assistance in transferring this fund to your country through legal means.

I am proposing to make this transfer to a designated bank account of your choice in your country for investment. At the conclusion of this transaction, you will be given 30% of the total amount, 70% will be for me.
Let me know if you can handle it.
Please reply me through [peterkwesi5050@yahoo.com.hk] Regards Mr Peter Kwesi

[lizardqueen]

Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 76 years old.

Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 20 years ago.

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to touch my breasts.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I certainly did not!
Defence Attorney: Why ever not?
Little Old Lady: His touching made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defence Attorney : Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled,'April Fool!'
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

[vincible1]

Got emailed this, thought it was hilarious.

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go

[vincible1]

can someone put that youtube thing embedded into the post, or teach me how

[timmyboy]

^^ For Vincible1
[ame=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go]YouTube - Jeff Dunham - Achmed the Dead Terrorist[/ame]

You just paste the url. nothing fancy

[Suspicious_Wife]

Dont know if its been posted before but fuck it made me laugh so so so hard.

Man tries to pay bill with spider drawing

[Phildo]

[NanoBear]

xmas card from the accountant...
(click for bigger version)

pic24370.GIF

[rod]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high-school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' . . . and that's how the fight started.

[Rob]

> FROM: Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
>
> TO: All Employees
>
> DATE: 4th November
>
> RE: Christmas Party
>
> I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
> place
> on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the
> Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have
> a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing
> along.
>
> And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as
> Santa
> Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.
> Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no
> gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for
> everyone's> pockets.
>
> This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a
> special announcement at the Party.
>
> Merry Christmas to you and your Family
>
> Steve
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
> FROM: Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
>
> TO: All Employees
>
> DATE: 5th November
>
> RE: Holiday Party
>
> In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
> employees.
> We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often
> Coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However,
> from now on >> we're calling it our 'Holiday Party.' The same policy
> applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no
> Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of
> music for your
> enjoyment.
>
> Happy now?
> Happy Holidays to you and your family,
>
> Steve.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
> FROM; Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
>
> TO: All Employees
>
> DATE : 6th November
>
> RE: Holiday Party
>
> Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
> requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
> to
> accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,
> "AA
> Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to
> handle
> this? Somebody?
>
> Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the
> Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management
> believe
> $10.00 is a little cheap.
>
> NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
>
> Steve.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
> FROM: Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
>
> TO: All Employees
>
> DATE: 7th November
>
> RE: Holiday Party
>
> What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
> the
> Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
> daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how
> a
> luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim
> employees'
> beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal
> until
> the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take
> home
> in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?
>
> Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
> from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest
> to
> the toilets, Gays a re allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not
> have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.
>
> Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.
>
> To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing
> allowed.
> And No, no blow-up sheep.
>
> We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be
> Available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the
> food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food
> first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the
> restaurant cannot
> Supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
>
> Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
>
>
> Steve.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
> FROM: Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
> TO: All F****** Employees
>
> DATE: 8 November
>
> RE: The ******** Holiday Party.
>
> Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
> this
> party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
> quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so
> quaintly put it.
>
> You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you
> know tomatoes have feeling, too.
>
> They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing
> them
> scream right NOW!!
>
> Hope you all have a rotten holiday * drink, drive, and die!
>
> The Prick from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> ~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> FROM: Barry Jack - Acting Human Resources Manager
>
> DATE: 9th November
>
> RE: Steve Reynolds and Xmas Party
>
> I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Steve Reynolds a speedy
> recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to him.
>
> In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Xmas Party and
> instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full
> pay.
>

[T-roy]

He finally did it!!!