step parent smacking child

[euphoric]

so i have sat on this for a couple of days, spoken to my ex and a couple of times to my kid.....and i'm kinda stuck on what to do, so i'm asking for advice from a bike forum!!

first up let me say i have only ever smacked my younger kid once, when she was hysterical and in danger.........it worked but i didn't like it, my oldest never (he very mello).
My ex has never smacked the kids either....we just dont believe in it and please dont let this thread become a tread about if smacking is ok or not.....the fact is in my house it is NOT ok.

my 9 year old girl has told me that her mums partner smacks her sometimes. on one occasion he shoved her face into a crumpet she was making for making too much noise.
i am even more concerned because they are supposed to moving in with him very soon.

i called my ex and said what my daughter had said. she denied it, and got upset (we generally have a pretty good co parent relationship). i said that him putting his hands on her for ANY reason was not on and next time my daughter told me something like this i would be contacting the police. my ex suggested that my daughter might be telling porkies, which i said fair enough, she's nine......but i'm her Dad so i have to believe her...and it did seem feasible to me.

so my questions:
would police take this kind of thing seriously?
any one else had to deal with a similar situation?
what can i do via family court to ensure he doesnt do this again?
does anyone know of a good family law lawyer?

cheers

[Desmo]

Ouch, harsh situation.
I'd say face up to him and ask the questions, his reaction should give you the answers you need. Then tell him if he does it again you'll be taking action.

[dv8]

You have to be careful, is your child making this up for attention. Then again if this is happening, you don't want your child to feel that you have not been there for them. I would go and see the step parent and speak to them face to face and tell them your concerns. If it is happening, this may be enough to scare the step parent off. it is a tricky one mate. I do wish you the best with this problem.

[Rob Russell]

I'm a grandparent and my son-in-law said if the kids ever play up to give them a smack,but we havnt had to do so yet.
I got a smack from my parents when i did the wrong thing and it didnt do me any harm and I also got the cane at school witch taught me the right from wrong .

[Desmo]

That's hardly comparable is it.
He's not asking if it's wrong or not, or commenting on blood relatives smacking the kids, he's asking about a step parent unnecessarily smacking and abusing his kids.
Different story altogether.

[Stephan]

As Euphoric said, it is not about if it`s right or wrong to smack a child. I think Desmo got it right. Sit your Ex and her partner down and discuss it. His reaction should tell you quite a bit. But I would definately confront him.

[crash]

i believe the biological parent are the olny one to smack a child and anyone else like a step parent can say some harsh words to tell them off.

[chew]

If you can confront him and keep a lid on your emotions while discussing this, I believe it is the best course of action. Just advise that it is not on and you will contact the authorities if it continues.

[Viper]

As far as police and lawyer thing goes I would think they wouldn't look at it unless he was abusing her. Smacking isn't really abuse is it? If its regular then yes but for being supposedly naughty I wouldn't think they'd worry unless of course she had bruising etc.

I would say that by your ex's response he has indeed put a hand on her and if you are not happy about that then you need to sit down with them and chat but he needs to be able to discipline her obviously and you'll have to come up with what is ok by your standards and your ex's standards and your ex needs to make sure that's all he does.

[dv8]

You don't have to smack to make it abuse. I was smacked as a kid, but I was a little shit.

[Viper]

good point. I don't think its an abuse problem though. I think Equphoric just doesn't like to use smacking as a disciplinary measure and the other guy does and he needs to be sat down and go through what is and what isn't ok by both parents.

tough spot to be in.

[euphoric]

well here is the grey area for me.....he's not her parent......her parents dont smack her, i havent given him permission to do that. so isn't that assault? isn't assault abuse?

i have already said to my ex that if she says it happens again my next call will be to the police and then a lawyer.
and the next time i speak to him, i will absolutely discuss it with him.

i spose the responses here (mostly!!) have said i'm going in the right direction with this, so thanks.

now i spose i want to know if i have to take it further what might i do. i can see the police rolling their eyes at this, so what else?

[Desmo]

Be careful not to jump on the "Abuse/Assault" political correctness bandwagon.
Sometimes kids deserve a belt, and they need discipline.
The question is should he be doing it? He's evidently living with them, so it is his place to discipline the kids, if you like it or not.
It's just the way in which they are disciplined that needs to be sorted out.

[Viper]

Are there helplines for lawyers where you can ask questions about laws etc? Might be a good start point.

[crash]

take him out hunting just come back alone

[euphoric]

I'm a grandparent and my son-in-law said if the kids ever play up to give them a smack,but we havnt had to do so yet.
I got a smack from my parents when i did the wrong thing and it didnt do me any harm and I also got the cane at school witch taught me the right from wrong .

excellent to hear you're a picture of success and happiness, however completely not relevant to my thread, and specifically everything i asked people NOT to respond to!

[Tuscadero]

Try to talk to both of them about it and discuss appropriately as adults.
There really is no point just telling your ex, you need to let him know that as her father you have concerns with how he is dealing with your daughter. Keep the discussion balanced, prepare for it beforehand and keep it on track.

If they are moving in together then he should be prepared and have already taken on board the fact that you will be a part of the equation and their lives. If he cannot handle that, then he should really sit down, have a long hard think and probably move on.

All the best.

[Orson]

I wouldn't (personally, if it were me) be involving any authorities. It's not my style. I would...um...how should I put this?....take care of it myself especially if it were a situation where someone was hurting one of my kids.

Of course Euphoric, you've got you're own set of variables there, so I think, as a blanket comment, you're going the "right" way about it.

[euphoric]

they NOT living with him yet!

was actually referring to a point of legal term rather than a "bandwagon". if it werent sunday i would be calling lawyers now to clarify.

so let me give this senario.
you and your 9 year old kid come and stay with me for a while. i'm not a morning person, i like quiet in the morning......ur kids 9......they make noise in the morning. i decide the way to resolve the issue is to hit your child.

thats ok?

[rollersMUM]

Most of what I think has been discussed already. The only thing I can add is that if in the future I am confronted by such a situation (as a grandparent), my foremost thought would be to keep the communication open with the child. There have been so many cases of children having problems with a stepparent and being seen as stretching the truth. Try to bring this all out in the open. Listen to what this guy has to say, and find out about how he sees discipline. It could hopefully all be solved by open discussion.