Tell your real life jokes here!

[Cone Cat]

We've all heard the blonde jokes and the three men walk into a bar jokes.

But in this thread, I wanna hear the real life ones. Jokes that happened around you, people you know or you heard about. Bottom line is that they actually happened.

A well known regular Customer walks into my BOC gas agency. While he is standing around waiting while Im dealing with other customers, he lets rip with a loud fart. When Myself and other customers look at him, he says;

Well it's a fucking gas agency right?"

To that I replied;

"You after some fucking Oxy to go with that?"

Yeah, there is a lot of swearing going on at my work!

So come on everybody, share your tales!

[Smiffy]

I tend to get my words mixed up when I'm not paying attention to what I'm saying so number one I'm on a date with an ex boyfriend and we decide to go to the cinema... He goes to buy the tickets whilst I line up to get a drink and what not. He decides that he wants popcorn alongside his coke, so I turn to the lady behind the counter and ask for a large coke and a large cockporn. Needless to say she gave me quite the look and said 'you mean popcorn right?' I laughed and my date went bright red.

Take two... I was at school in my religious education class it was nearing christmas time and I had a bag of humbug sweets I was offering them around the class and came up to my teacher and asked him in the politest voice if he would like a bumhug... I went BRIGHT red and he asked me to repeat myself giving me a look of disbelief. So I asked him if he wanted a humbug the second time and he just shook his head and told me to sit down.


Oh the shameee

[Brock32]

I was picking up a car from Pickles auction the other day with my brother. There were quite a few cars coming into the yard while we were there. One of them was one of those new Chinese 4 wheel drives with heavy front end damage.

Quick as anything my brother turns and winks at me and says "Must have hit a great wall..."

I nearly pissed myself.

[igor]

a customer buys a scooter... rides it away... 1/2 hr later get phone call... i think theres something wrong with my scooter... why is that i ask.... customer says it seems tobe smoking... oh.. i say.. thats ok its a 2 stroke they do that.. heehee...

[Tic]

i try to dare my mates 2 bucks to do shameful embaressing things all the time.
Dared one friend to get up in front of a packed out cinema on the little half wall at the front and proclaim to the cinema the size of his penis and ask if anyone wants to go out the back and try it out. And that he was welcoming all comers. Then dared another mate to put his hand up and go with him.

Worked a treat. It was the best 4 bucks i ever spent.

[Aphex]

Sitting at the bar having just ordered a beer, and the bloke at the bar next to me says of the bar girl, "Geez I'd love to get in her pants" the bar girl heard him and replied with "Sorry mate there's already one cunt down there"

[The Saint]

Hey Smiffy, I've noticed that you only lapse into spoonerisms when they're rude.

Seems it's just your dirty mind coming to the fore ...

[rharris]

well it all starts with a phone call from a vet . hi i have just moved in to a ex bank building and it has a vault can you come and get it working sure i say ,anyway when i get there he tells me about his plan he wants to keep dogs in the vault over night to stop people complaining about the barking so i explain to him about the lack of air and other problems .6 weeks later he calls again and tells me he has installed air con in the roof of the vault and asked what it will cost to come and disconnect the locks on the vault door $200 i tell him .did not hear from him again for 6 weeks this time he sounds a bit stressed out he has a vault full of dogs a waiting room full of people waiting to pickup their dogs but cant get the vault door open so when i get their i ask if he has done anything to the door yes i have he had tied the locks back with string which had all come apart now this is a big problem 7-8 hours work but with the air con installed we can use the hole as a access point so on the roof we go rip the air con away and i can fit in the hole to my hips and no more so we need a midget locksmith in a hurry i ask the vet got any kids he says yes but they are not to bright . i spy a young boy in the waiting room and ask the vet what are they here for cat being spayed so he does the job at no charge if we can use the ladys son for 10 min work all good .so put the boy down the hole and had him unlock the vault from the inside fun day

[Fastgirl]

lol.

[whowalks]

I work at a major hospital as nurse at Triage (the front bit when you come in) anyway this old bloke and his wife come up to the counter they take a seat.
He starts off telling me about this chest pain he's having and his wife keeps interupting with"dont forget about this that and the other"
anyway as I got most of his history down, he goes" oh and I have this funny ringing in my ears ....is that serious"
I couldnt controll myself at this piont and said "dont worry sir thats just your wife"
Anyway he had a bit of a laugh with that but I got the icey stares from his wife.
Im suprised I didnt get the ol' complaint letter from that one LOL it was would have been worth it though.

[whowalks]

I also have a vet story
A friend of my wifes a vet and a funny bugger, any way they always get annoying customes trying to explain their dogs symptoms etc and ge ta bit of a free consult over the phone.
Snooty customer"my dog fifi has this that and the other"
Vet "Well can you tell what colour my underwear are?"
Snooty customer" no... how am I suposed to know that over the phone"
vet"well How am I supposed to diagnose your dog over the phone .. you can bloody well bring it in for a consult"

[JamieBlade]

Long story short...managed to break my heel bone while drunk and after a few days of pain managed to hobble into A&E. After an x-ray they decided I needed putting in plaster and asked if I wanted to have my Levis cut off, or did I want to get someone to bring me some trackie pants. So I went with the trackie pants option and gave mum a call to bring them down. So while I was waiting, the nurse said that I might as well take off the Levis so they could get on with the plaster. So I'm face down on the bed in just my boxers with leg bent at the knee and the nurse tells me she needs to go and get "something". Well the next thing I know, the room I'm in suddenly becomes the busiest room in the whole hospital with nurses coming in and getting all sorts of things out of cupboards and checking on stuff. I thought nothing of it. Anyway, when mum finally turned up with the track pants, she walks into the room and says, "you could have worn a nicer pair of boxers!" Turns out I had a massive hole in the boxers and had my arse hanging out for all to see! The "kind" nurse obviously passed this on to all her colleagues who decided to come in and have a look for themselves. Suffice to say I left on crutches with a rather red face!

[whowalks]

Long story short...managed to break my heel bone while drunk and after a few days of pain managed to hobble into A&E. After an x-ray they decided I needed putting in plaster and asked if I wanted to have my Levis cut off, or did I want to get someone to bring me some trackie pants. So I went with the trackie pants option and gave mum a call to bring them down. So while I was waiting, the nurse said that I might as well take off the Levis so they could get on with the plaster. So I'm face down on the bed in just my boxers with leg bent at the knee and the nurse tells me she needs to go and get "something". Well the next thing I know, the room I'm in suddenly becomes the busiest room in the whole hospital with nurses coming in and getting all sorts of things out of cupboards and checking on stuff. I thought nothing of it. Anyway, when mum finally turned up with the track pants, she walks into the room and says, "you could have worn a nicer pair of boxers!" Turns out I had a massive hole in the boxers and had my arse hanging out for all to see! The "kind" nurse obviously passed this on to all her colleagues who decided to come in and have a look for themselves. Suffice to say I left on crutches with a rather red face!

sound like where i work LOL
ps i would have done that to you too LOL

Also if any one has been in a crash and had a Male nurse tell the "dont listen them all keep riding buddy" well that would have been me

[JamieBlade]

sound like where i work LOL
ps i would have done that to you too LOL

I would have expected nothing less. I would have done it too if the roles were reversed. I like to think it was coz all the hot nurses wanted to come and check me out, but I fear it was for other reasons LOL.

[acegalaxi]

This one time. at band camp....

No seriously though, we went family ten pin bowling ages age when i was about 14 and my lil sis just nudged a ball down the alley. I had enough momentum to hit the pins and then stop. Dead. So my old man said, Jase get down there and push the ball out the way so we can get on with this. Did as I was told. Pushed the ball out the way, activated the ball return/pin clearing mechanism and promptly got myself wedged under the bar that sweeps the pins away!!!! I thought I was going to die. Death by ten pin. Not what I wanted on my epitath!!

[timmy]

I was at the pub with a big'ish group of mates (about 20) for a friends going away party. Anyway we were all just making general chit chat and one of my mates noticed one of the other guys had a watch with a massive face on it. So anyway banter back and forth about why he needs such a big watch and the guy replies that his missus loves it because it's easy to read when he shows it to her or something. So the other guy being a smart ass replies "i wish my missus loves it when I show it to her!", I immediately piped up and said "nah mate, you just haven't got a big enough clock".

It was a good moment lol.

[peteral]

Mundaring where pub, I had an ST1100 that I had owned for 6 hours, stalled in the driveway of the pub and fell off in front of 40 bikers. The initial reaction from all was “is he all right, (big thanks to the 3 guys that rushed over to help me the thing back). Then there was the laughing at me for being a klutz ” to add insult to injury, my brother in-law was following on his new 250, and on his Ls, so he rode around me and parked as far away as he could. At that point I was thinking “how far is it to walk back to Perth from here” If it was only 10km I would have left the thing lying in the driveway.

p.s. After the 4th time I fell off at low speed my wife told me to “get rid of it as I’m embarrassing her” That was unkind is I had become very proficient at falling of it.

[Fastgirl]

Lol!

[lippy]

when i worked at bunnings we had a guy there who was leaning on the shelving his boss came around the corner and said tony why aren't you working he replied oh i didn't see you coming
also the same guy was late in the morning and was leaving a little early in the afternoon his boss was on the door and said what are you doing tony you were late this morning now you leaving early he replied with yes i know but i didn't want to be late twice n one day

[salt-rider]

Back in the eighties ,when surfing and travelling on the dole was the way to see Australia ,I and couple of mates decided on the greener pastures of Victoria to start our tour de Oz.Arrived in Melbourne and stayed overnight with friends.The following day was all about sight-seeing in Melbourne centro and finding our bearings which just happened to be in the Young and Jacksons pub.Being thirsty tourists we ended up having a decent drink and were enjoying our new drinking hole.It was around this time when I happened to notice 12 police surround our table and request I come with them for a chat.Once outside the grilling began on who I was,ID check.where was I staying etc.I told the police ,I had been in Vic one day and I`m a bit pissed off I had to leave my pint of beer.I was questioned for a while longer.then told they had a . report the ` Russel St Bomber` was at the pub and I filled their identikit photo because of my moustache.There was a $20000 reward for info leading to the arrest of persons involved in bombing the police station.I burst out laughing along with mates and a few locals once the debacle was sorted ,even the barman thought I was suss.
Cheers