The Worlds Hottest Burger, Off the Wall Diner, QLD

[Shortfuse]

This is not my story, but funny as shit.



Dear sweet arseraping jesus i will make this report VERY quick because just the memory of the burger is giving me bowel cramps.

First of all the burger in question can be found at the 'Off The Wall Diner' at Wellington Point in Brisbane.

Secondly, before it gets served to you you have to put on rubber gloves.

Finally, it was not so much a meal as a physical assault.

I swear to god i have never been in so much pain in my life. i was mentally prepared for the burn and had decided that no matter how hot it turned out to be i was just going to open a can of 'harden the fuck up' and keep eating. So here's how it panned out...

4 of us head to Wellington Point around 2pm for a cruisy Saturday lunch. Me, Thommo and our two better halves.

We know that drinking beer won't help the burn, but just for psychological backup we have 2 6 packs of Little Creatures. We drink 1 6 pack on the way to the diner. We start on the other as soon as we arrive.

The 2 guys order the megadeath burgers to much laughter and derision from the kitchen of the diner. The 2 girls order sensible burgers.

We are downing the beer like water before we even see the burger so we run across the road and grab another 6 pack from the pub.

The girls burgers arrive and they are awesome hand made giant patty motherfucking things and I'm starting to get REALLY hungry.

Our burgers arrive, with rubber gloves and a recovery kit consisting of a big drink of milk and a bowl of yogurt. The challenge remains that if we can finish the burger without resorting to the recovery kit we get our names on a plaque on the wall...

I start eating, and eating fast. I stick with my game plan and ignore the burn, just push through the pain.

2 things happen immediately to my body.

1. I get violent hiccups as my body tries to reject the molten lava i am putting into it.
2. I begin crying like a little girl.

Not to be discouraged I forge ahead, quickly shoveling the burger into my mouth. I begin to descend into my own little hell. Staff come out and are watching us eat and are egging us on. I can barely notice anything except the immense pain in my mouth, eyes, ears (yes my ears were ringing) but most importantly in my stomach...

And this is the problem.

The burning mouth, the crying, the ringing ears I can handle. But now with less than a third of the burger to go my stomach seizes up and refuses to let me put anything into it. I take a deep breath and look for my can of 'harden the fuck up' when I notice that my mate Thommo has stopped eating his burger just beyond the halfway point and is wandering aimlessly up and down the street.

He has honestly lost the plot and is walking around in circles.

I decide I can't be defeated and manage one more bite before my stomach explains at this point that it is about to return to me everything i have just eaten at high speed.

not being able to face the prospect of vomiting back something that hot i pull off my gloves and admit defeat with 2 mouthfuls to go. The staff can't believe I have got this close and not finished it but at this point i really don't give a fuck because i have just started to hallucinate.

No exaggerations here for the next 15-20 minutes or so as we just sat there i was completely off my face. it is one of the strangest drug experiences I have ever had (thats a BIG call). The closest thing I can liken it to is the feeling you have when you are coming off an 'e' and you are really jumpy, agitated, spun out and trippy.

Can i recommend this burger to anyone?

No fucking way.

Should you go and try it anyway?

Absofuckinglutely!



And about 2 days later....

it is now almost 48 hours later and i have just had my second shower for the morning.

second shower? why have 2?

because i am still shitting white hot torrents of molten steel and i need to cool down my puckered, torn and abraded sphincter before it decides to go all 'china syndrome' and melt through the crust of the earth to the core.

i swear to god all i have eaten in the past couple of days since the 'event' is stomach and anus friendly food like yoghurt, and ham and salad rolls and yet here i am at 6am on monday morning wondering why i have just been fisted by someone with a handful of broken glass and gravel?

the burger was evil. and it's evilness continues to taunt my bunghole.

shame on you for wanting to try this boobmeister. shame.

... and finally, a few days after that...

lol thanks for your concern fucker

it lasted until tuesday night (i had the burger on saturday lunchtime) and i had my first *normal* crap on wednesday morning.

my mate i went who also tried the burger with came good on tuesday morning, but he admitted by 'good' he meant he wasn't bleeding profusely from his anus and eyeballs at the same time.

that burger was all fucked up.

now go try it.

[timmy]

great write up. but i have to say... i was pissing myself laughing reading that.
sounds like fun.

[Xuaxace]

One of the funniest shit i've read in a long time.
Makes me want to have a go .

[Band-Aid]

oh god!....still want to try it. hallucinations? that's intense!

[Daise]

Sounds like my kinda fun!

[Sentry]

OMG! How awesome is that. I gotta try one. Good story

[rcradical]

the burger looks so innocent. good work

[pottz]

the way to solve a burning rectum is with the old two prong approach, get a twinpole snap it in half and have soothing coolness work its magic from the top and 'bottom'

[JaR6d]

LOL...
zoo man did the same burger a couple of weeks ago with the same effect.
They have a plaque on the wall for all the people that have finished it :-)

[Cam]

I need the recipe for this burger, stat.

[millsy]

Hahahaha I'd give it a go I lurve hot food,

I challenged the pizza guy across from my work at the time to make me a proper hot pizza, citing that his 'Hot' mexican pizza was in fact so mild I didn't realise it had any chilli.
I think he took this a as personal slight against his family so I ended up with a pizza showered in jalepeno's, chilli flakes, cayenne pepper and whatever other spicyness the kitchen would provide.
It was quite hot, but I ate it and whilst eating it (I took it home) My mate who I shared the house with asked for a slice, finished it and ran to the fridge drank all 2litres of milk in the fridge and abused me for ordering such a stupid pizza, even though it was my dinner, (he had eaten earlier), I still kindly produced a slice when asked. "Who the f%@k orders a pizza like that? Your an idiot!"
I thought it was hilarious, but i had no milk for my cereal the next morning

[Cam]

Millsy, you strike me as a man that might know.

Where in Perth can one obtain some truly hot curry?

[millsy]

I don't know but I do know someone who definitley will, I'll make a phone call in a bit and get back to you. Otherwise I'll get my brother to make you some. I walked into my unit one day and all my nose hairs burnt off, I'll have to find out where he got that curry paste he was useing it was nuts.


ok phone call made whilst I was thinking about it,

apparently the Royal Shalimar in Wembley has a 'worlds hottest curry' that's supposedly quite good, but for a nice sit down curry you want The Royal India on Hay st West Perth.
I got this from the Curry afficianado at work, he raves about curry all the time so hopefully his information is good

[Cam]

Splendid, paging Taint...

[Kryzaach]

You could always try D'Tandoor
I think it's better than the royal india, and they have some vey hot dishes... just ask them which ones have bite, they'll point you in the right direction.

[TYSON]

Splendid, paging Taint...

Are you warning your ring for the sting it's about to get?

[russkigreg]

You can buy "Blair's Megadeath Sauce" from Kailis' in Leederville. Apparently the 21st hottest chilli sauce in the world.

Same effect, but you can control how much pain you recieve in a very sado-masochistic fashion... unlike the 14 year old behind the counter in the diner who's just going to fuck you up.

[MattyA]

hey cam
perhaps a chilli contest at your party?

[thro]

^^ heh, we bought some seeds (chillis rated at >1 million scoville units - for reference, jalapenos rate around 2500-8000. its a measure of how many ppm it is detectable in water ) , but they won't be ready.

I've got a bit of an idea for a chilli eating contest when they are, but i'm too lazy to organise it.

edit:
Was planning to get a few from various points on this scale:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scoville

We have dorset some nagas...

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/new...icle700700.ece

[FJ Steve]

Pussys

My missus makes a Vindaloo that Nasa is trying to get hold as the new fuel for the next stage of their Deep Space project