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View Full Version : The Self Diagnosis Thread for Hypochondriacs.



Old frt
29-12-2012, 08:36 PM
As a baby boomer, I only seek medical assistance if a limb is hanging off or worse, I have Man Flu.

Not uncommon in my generation, most doctors suggest I stop doing things I enjoy so fuck em.

Google is your friend sometimes but you need to be selective, persevere and you will find a solution that fits in with your lifestyle.

So my question is, when have you self diagnosed and got it slightly wrong?

Twigs
29-12-2012, 08:41 PM
Water retention....
Turns out I'm just fat :(

XSorXpire
29-12-2012, 08:43 PM
I trust my wife, but the doctor tells me I am not fucking retarded...

Old frt
29-12-2012, 08:49 PM
Water retention....
Turns out I'm just fat :(

You were not fat at the MCRC awards night in december...

Ummm, congratulations.

Chaos-incarnate
29-12-2012, 08:50 PM
Had a stomach ache, thought it was food poisoning. After a few days I downgraded it to PMS cramps. After a couple of weeks I noticed it got worse when I drank coffee so I leant towards my lactose intolerance and cut back on milk products.
A few weeks and I upgraded it to an allergic reaction to coffee- perhaps they changed it? Changed brands.

Over a month later I simply could not handle the pain any more so I finally went to the doctors to ask for some pain killers. Sadly they did not give me the requested pain killers until I was in hospital having emergency surgery- turns out I had an ectopic pregnancy and was very lucky not to be dead.

Finally they brought out the pain killer- pethidine in a needle. At that point I politely refused, said I felt fine, and attempted to go home without the surgery.... those nurses didn't mess around at that stage is all I can say!
Had the surgery lol

Twigs
29-12-2012, 08:54 PM
You were not fat at the MCRC awards night in december...

Ummm, congratulations.

I guess orange is slimming....


Chaos- that's insane! Glad your ok though :)

Rorschach
29-12-2012, 08:59 PM
I use this book:

81001

filbert
29-12-2012, 09:12 PM
i diagnosed myself with whiplash and turns out i had cracked 2 vertebrae

i diagnosed myself with carpal tunnel and had a broken wrist

i diagnosed myself with a strained groin muscle and had a fractured hip

i diagnosed myself with bursitis and had a torn rotator cuff and broken collarbone

apparently i have a high pain threshold, i've never had a broken bone diagnosed after the injury they usually find them later when i go in for another injury :lol:

Desmo
29-12-2012, 09:12 PM
Water retention....
Turns out I'm just fat :(

Don't you have all manner of malaise?

Twigs
29-12-2012, 09:17 PM
Don't you have all manner of malaise?

Sorry- I don't get what you mean?
Are you referring to being generally unwell?

Old frt
29-12-2012, 09:29 PM
Don't you have all manner of malaise?

Why the sarcastic vitriol Jim?

It was intended as a light hearted thread with hopefully some funny responses.

agrid
29-12-2012, 09:33 PM
I snapped a tendon in my finger playing basketball, cost about $1,000 to get it fixed and it works perfectly. Snapped the the tendon in the finger next to it and figured a bit of DIY would leave me with some beer money. The kids now call be "the claw".

Barfridge
29-12-2012, 09:34 PM
I diagnosed Desmo as a fucking cunt, turns out he's just a regular cunt

Skut
29-12-2012, 09:37 PM
http://sphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/470713_520619677959048_118842817_o.jpg

Twigs
29-12-2012, 09:42 PM
You can actually die from drinking too much water.... it happens to those who take ecstasy. They feel a constant need to drink and will drink too much which floods there body. It's called Hyponatraemia.

Barfridge
29-12-2012, 09:46 PM
the number of times that has happened is amazingly small. People who do shit like that would be just as likely to die choking on their panadol

Pixie
29-12-2012, 10:13 PM
I diagnosed myself with a relapse for Celiac Disease (actually have it, but it's controlled). However, was going for surgery and needed to eat gluten before it. After surgery and no more gluten, I thought I was still sick from it.
Turns out I was pregnant... oops. Probably shouldn't have had surgery.

Hooligan
29-12-2012, 10:15 PM
I diagnosed Desmo as a fucking cunt, turns out he's just a regular cunt

Finally something we agree on.

Every time I go googling symptoms I convince myself I have terminal cancer or something just as deadly. Fortunately I have been wrong so far. Access to information leads to unnecessary anxiety in this respect.

I do advocate going to see the doc though and getting regular check ups especially at over 40. Many problems can be prevented easily.

Old frt
29-12-2012, 10:21 PM
Sometime last century I self diagnosed testicular cancer with the help of a nursing textbook left by my first wife.

First published in 1908, I quoted it verbatim to the family GP who took one look at my tackle and said it was nothing significant. Thanks Doc.

Sebacious cyst, told me to get magnoplasm fram a chemist and warm it up for best effect.

Microwaved it and with the help of the child bride strapped it in place with multiple bandages and sticky tape.

Of course the microwaved item doesn't stop heating immediatley, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh.

Hospitalized with burns nobody wanted to treat.

P.J
30-12-2012, 12:50 AM
A hypercondriac is a person who thinks they are always sick. A hypocondriac is a person is who is in fear of getting sick.

PBF
30-12-2012, 02:25 AM
I hurt my ankle pretty badly and figured it was just a bad roll. Went skiing on it 2 weeks later, but it was hurting pretty badly. I left it for a while, but when it still hurt 3 months on, i thought i should get it x-rayed. Turns out it was broken.

The really stupid thing is i didnt learn, and 2 years later i did the same thing to my other ankle. That one ended up requiring surgery.

crowtribe
30-12-2012, 10:29 AM
Got bowel problems and got blocked up for an extended period. Doctor's.

Usually I'd just go to get a doctor's cert to get off work, until I found out you can do that at some chemists for $15 or something instead.

2 days of pissing blood and agony - turned out to be kidney stones.

Daise
30-12-2012, 04:41 PM
What I thought was an early labour (and frantic calls to my midwife) turned out to be something else, completely unrelated. Derp.

Nine
30-12-2012, 04:53 PM
multiple visits to the ER with chest pains, dizziness, feelings of impending doom and waiting to die, turned out to be anxiety and PTSD.

agrid
30-12-2012, 05:03 PM
What I thought was an early labour (and frantic calls to my midwife) turned out to be something else, completely unrelated. Derp.

Baked beans?

Trashed
30-12-2012, 05:03 PM
My ex-boyfriend returned from a boys weekend in Melbourne feeling very run down, blood shot eyes, and a bit of an itch down there. He thought it was just the excesses of the weekend, dehydration and too much of a good time, so he went back to work.
I then got a call from ED.
He'd gone to take a piss, felt excrutiating pain, and noticed that his cock was swollen and blotchy, so took himself off to ED as fast as he could.
Turns out he had a urinary tract infection so bad it had become bacteremia, and he had to stay in hospital for 3 days on IV antibiotics.

He claimed he must have caught it from the hotel spa. I thought it more likely he caught it from the skanky ho who was in the hotel spa with him. Dirty boy.

Twigs
30-12-2012, 05:06 PM
My ex-boyfriend returned from a boys weekend in Melbourne feeling very run down, blood shot eyes, and a bit of an itch down there. He thought it was just the excesses of the weekend, dehydration and too much of a good time, so he went back to work.
I then got a call from ED.
He'd gone to take a piss, felt excrutiating pain, and noticed that his cock was swollen and blotchy, so took himself off to ED as fast as he could.
Turns out he had a urinary tract infection so bad it had become bacteremia, and he had to stay in hospital for 3 days on IV antibiotics.

He claimed he must have caught it from the hotel spa. I thought it more likely he caught it from the skanky ho who was in the hotel spa with him. Dirty boy.

Karma?

BERT
30-12-2012, 05:45 PM
I'm immortal .................................................. ........................................... until I die

Jezzabelle
30-12-2012, 06:07 PM
I self diagnosed worms 'cos I had an itchy bum..........turned out it was just the rough elastic on my g-string !.. :lol:

P.J
30-12-2012, 06:17 PM
I self diagnosed worms 'cos I had an itchy bum..........turned out it was just the rough elastic on my g-string !.. :lol:

Pics or it didn't happen. ...

chief wiggum
30-12-2012, 07:16 PM
a doctor told my sister she had asthma and prescribed her an inhaler. she self-diagnosed it as cancer. she was right, and she lived. i guess it might've helped that she's a nurse

Rich...
30-12-2012, 08:57 PM
Karma?

No, that's a shit hookers name...

More likely Kandy...

Eugene
30-12-2012, 09:19 PM
multiple visits to the ER with chest pains, dizziness, feelings of impending doom and waiting to die, turned out to be anxiety and PTSD.

What would a doctor usually prescribe for such?

Nine
30-12-2012, 09:30 PM
They sent me home, eventually getting tests done (ecg, echocardiogram, stress tests, brain mri) they told me to see a shrink who told me I had generalized anxiety disorder and ptsd.

Was put on meds for a while and got therapy. Pretty much sweet as these days except I occasionally get anxiety but I can deal with it.

Nine
30-12-2012, 09:31 PM
Exact meds were in think pristiq and alprazolam (by the way is awesome for insomnia)
I also got b12 jabs and dramatically changed my diet for almost 2 years.

Skut
30-12-2012, 09:42 PM
Pics or it didn't happen. ...

well, if that's your thing...

81025

You can thank me later ;)

Skut
30-12-2012, 09:45 PM
No, that's a shit hookers name...

More likely Kandy...

Exactly; they would never get any punters, and all the other girls would think she was a bitch.

edit: Yeah, I need to use multi-quote.

P.J
30-12-2012, 10:09 PM
well, if that's your thing...

81025

You can thank me later ;)

Hahahahaha it's funny because it's true

666Monkeys
30-12-2012, 10:12 PM
A hypercondriac is a person who thinks they are always sick. A hypocondriac is a person is who is in fear of getting sick.

Really? Have you ever heard of Google?

666Monkeys
30-12-2012, 10:36 PM
Back when I was a young tacker, at the end of Year 12 Valedictory Dinner, I suddenly felt a bit short of breath. Self diagnosed as asthma, despite it hurting to take a deep breath. Couple of puffs of the ventolin, walked a couple of Km's to the after-party, drank, smoked - despite only being able to take short shallow inspirations. No way was I going to miss this party.
Crammed into the back of a car to stay at a mate's place, slept on the couch, still couldn't breath properly when I went in to school for the farewell breakfast BBQ.
Finally got my cousin to take me to the GP. Doc took a quick listen with the stethoscope and his eyes almost popped out of his head. "Go straight to hospital!!"
Turns out I'd been struggling along with a spontaneous pneumothorax. The right lung had completely collapsed, and I was lucky it hadn't tensioned during the night.

Anyway, major thoracic surgery and two weeks in hospital, and I was all fixed up. Until the left side popped a couple of years later. At least I knew to go straight to the hospital this time.

666Monkeys
30-12-2012, 10:37 PM
Doh

Graelin
31-12-2012, 09:50 AM
Once had a stressful day so self medicated.

Girl at work sold me all these potions called essential oils and a burner thingy with them.

Three drops in the burner with water, did not say how much goes in a Spa Bath. So I kinda guessed five bottles mixed together would really do the trick, so emptied them all in. See all said reduced stress and anxiety. Common sense really!

Then I remembered the lavender farm bath salts, again no instructions so around half a kilo added to the mix.

Lit some romantic candles, put Medicine Woman on for relaxation music. What could go wrong?

Sat in bath bubbling away thinking "I Have finally become sensitive new age guy."

If you have ever been to Baboon enclosure at the Zoo you will have seen what chemical burns to the butt look like!