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Captain Starfish
26-06-2009, 09:46 AM
Sometimes I want to hurl an insult at someone and get a little tongue tied. Especially at work, amongst parentals or in front of the innocent little kiddies.

Help me out.

I'm looking for the best insults ever. This thread is HIGH BROW so has roolz:

- No profanity
- No racial/religious references etc

These need to be the kind of well thought out insults that you could use anywhere. Where the sentiment of the insult is very very clear but where I can't be busted/fired/executed for saying naughty stuff.

Maxo
26-06-2009, 09:47 AM
Have you got a hypothetical situation?

Desmo
26-06-2009, 09:48 AM
It all depends on the situation, I don't think you can have one single "atomic bomb" insult.
If you get tongue tied and can't deliver, maybe you shouldn't be attempting highbrow insults? :rofl:

Hazelnutty
26-06-2009, 09:48 AM
id insult you, but i know you wouldnt understand...
Posted via Mobile Device

darth lefty
26-06-2009, 09:48 AM
I find you fundamentally unlikeable.

blzbub
26-06-2009, 09:49 AM
My favourite is Winston Churchill's riposte when Lady Astor said "Winston you are drunk" he looked at her and said "and you my dear are ugly...but in the morning i shall be sober!"

Pure class

blzbub

Captain Starfish
26-06-2009, 09:50 AM
Mmmkay, this isn't really trying to arm me for a scenario. I just want people to start hurling insults. But classy ones.

Griff
26-06-2009, 09:51 AM
Borrow from Churchill, and Wilde CSF - real wit with slashing sharp undertones...

Captain Starfish
26-06-2009, 09:53 AM
NOOOOOOOOooooo

POST YOUR OWN INSULTS. POST THEM HERE. ENLIGHTEN AND ENTERTAIN US WITH YOUR WIT LADEN CRUELTY!!!1!

Aphex
26-06-2009, 09:53 AM
I couldn't give a rotund rodent's rectum what your opinion is.

You my friend, are perambulating the circumference of veracity.

Bendito
26-06-2009, 09:54 AM
I always liked "I wouldn't want to enter into a battle of wits with an unarmed man" (or similar)

The Saint
26-06-2009, 09:59 AM
Is this thread a Raffles-free zone?

RT
26-06-2009, 09:59 AM
'your parents must have been related!' :lol:

stollen from here

YouTube - chopper read make dead shits history

:lol:

THE GODFATHER
26-06-2009, 10:04 AM
I once used this statement to our GM:
Godfather: "Can you do this, or should I get my son in to do it?"
GM: "What does your son do?"
Godfather: "he goes to school, he is 10 years old, but he could do a better job than you."

Kryzaach
26-06-2009, 10:11 AM
My Dearest Simon,
I write this not as a fellow forum goer but as a man who has tried to shape his life in your image.

I don't think I could have chosen a better role model to help me through the difficult decisions life throws at me on my journey. Your inspiration has been a guiding light when I am but surrounded by darkness.

What good would a life of aspiration be, without those moments of reflection, critical self analysis and guidance.
So, here I sit ruminating on all the changes I have enacted in my life since I met you.
I have begun to believe in myself, be positive about my physical state, listen to what others have to say, be helpful and polite.
Then it hit me, after all these years, I have reached the pinnacle, I am no longer aspiring to be like you, I AM like you....

Almost! I must, it seems, seek your counsel one further time.

I have taxed the very bowels of my soul searching for an answer to what I feel is the last question, the question that will complete me!

Why is it, when I have remade myself in your image, does my mother now refer to me as; A supercilious, porcine, intrusive, controlling, condescending twat with all the personal ambition of a children's crosswalk attendant.

Yours in anticipation,

Dave

Aphex
26-06-2009, 10:12 AM
Is it not possible for you to open your mouth without subtracting from the sum of human intelligence?

Wrex
26-06-2009, 10:13 AM
When you have someone who always tells that far fetched story, you know "Your bike may do 260KPH but my bike does 400KPH on the back wheel".

My favourite respose is.

"Shit mate I would have to lie to beat that story".

Some get it some don't those who don't look like utter tools infront of everyone else, those that do shut the fuck up.

BERT
26-06-2009, 10:18 AM
See Signature VVV
No not the Hunter S Thompson one !

Bendito
26-06-2009, 10:20 AM
Thread needs XS so bad.
I still laugh every time I remember him tearing apart that woman at the Tanglehead in Albany ^_^

Dr. Venkman
26-06-2009, 10:57 AM
How dare you defile the human race with your vile presence?

You have proven to me, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that apes can be shaved, trained to talk and use cutlery.

My mother taught me to never say anything derogatory to someone, however you are starting to prove to be the exception to the rule.

Never underestimate the power of stupidity, it can make the unwary do some things they will later regret in life, to see an example look in the mirror and think of your parents.

Go and squirt lemon juice in your eyes, it's the only way we'll make you smart.


You are about as useful as a broken lightbulb


If I could leave your presence I would, unfortunately I cant, I live here

not faz
26-06-2009, 10:59 AM
Don't know how high brow this is but here is what I've used in conversation to someone at the fines enforcement registry:

Me: Do they do random drug testing of your employees?
Her: No, why?
Me: Perhaps they should because someone there must have been smoking crack!

=Stevo=
26-06-2009, 11:12 AM
60% of the time, it works everytime...

http://www.perthstreetbikes.com/46042/Best-insults---high-brow/moonwalk.png

especially considering the recent MJ demise...

Flyboy
26-06-2009, 11:53 AM
Oh god, I'm talking to a man who'd lose a battle of wits to a stuffed iguana.

Mockery
26-06-2009, 12:06 PM
"Your simian countenance suggests a strange deviation in your genealogy..."

(stolen from Calvin & Hobbes)

XSorXpire
26-06-2009, 12:08 PM
Thread needs XS so bad.
I still laugh every time I remember him tearing apart that woman at the Tanglehead in Albany ^_^

Was that the glamorous looking beautifully made up stunningly attractive self centred arrogant cow?

I'm trying to remember how that went.

Posted via Mobile Device

Bendito
26-06-2009, 12:09 PM
That's the one.
I remember the jist of it, but couldn't do it justice if I tried.

XSorXpire
26-06-2009, 12:12 PM
I like the simple insults too.

"Oh I'm sorry, I'll speak a little slower".
Then slow down your speech for a paragraph or so while looking them in the eyes and watching them bubble.
Posted via Mobile Device

[DR34M3R]
26-06-2009, 12:17 PM
My signature is one of my favorites

XSorXpire
26-06-2009, 12:22 PM
That's the one.
I remember the jist of it, but couldn't do it justice if I tried.
Me neither.
Good high brow ones need to be tailored to the circumstance.

I do remember putting a whole lot of sparkle in her eyes before ripping her heart out.



Posted via Mobile Device

chew
26-06-2009, 12:25 PM
Go forth and multiply.

Very misunderstood quote.

XSorXpire
26-06-2009, 12:28 PM
I wasn't asking you mate, I want to talk to the horses head.
Posted via Mobile Device

Elise
26-06-2009, 12:31 PM
Howz about

Fuck u starfish, you made me cry!

:lol:

XSorXpire
26-06-2009, 12:33 PM
Perhaps you had stretched it more or used tube it wouldn't have hurt so much...
Posted via Mobile Device

Rocket
26-06-2009, 12:34 PM
Oversea's at a bar with some workmates.
Some Yarpie cockhead who was there with a lady friend (another South African)
After actively giving us the shits for quite a while,(I actually considered clocking the guy at one point) he nodded to his lady friend and loudly said something along the lines of "she's a pretty good catch isnt she?"
To which I replied, just as loudly as we got up to leave "Yeah, yeah she is" then I turned to her and said "But you could have done a LOT better !"

XSorXpire
26-06-2009, 12:35 PM
I meant lube Elise..
Posted via Mobile Device

Elise
26-06-2009, 12:35 PM
Perhaps you had stretched it more or used tube it wouldn't have hurt so much...
Posted via Mobile Device

Jealous?

XSorXpire
26-06-2009, 12:42 PM
Jealous?

That you'll take it up the tradies till you cry?
Not really.

It kinda speaks volumes about the size of your front bum though.

(high brow enough?)


Posted via Mobile Device

Dr. Venkman
26-06-2009, 12:45 PM
Go forth and fornicate with thyself.

[DR34M3R]
26-06-2009, 12:50 PM
Works best when a guy has his mum or girlfriend around

Turn to said female: Do you want kids/Grandkids?

Captain Starfish
26-06-2009, 12:53 PM
Howz about

Fuck u starfish, you made me cry!

:lol:

Thanks elise. Thro made you cry, I was merely an unwitting instrument.

Regards your contribution, it appears you may have gotten a little lost at the entrance. Just because you're young, sweet and innocent doesn't mean you don't need to read the instructions :rtfm:

Please follow the BLUE line to this thread (http://www.perthstreetbikes.com/forum/f20/best-insults-low-brow-nsfw-86269/).

potty mouth

:P

Sunshine & F'n Rainbows
26-06-2009, 12:58 PM
"You are a dismal failure and a horrible person. You surround yourself with bluster and theatrics in a weak attempt to cloud the length and depth of your self centered, attention seeking behavior. Never show your face to me again."

Maxo
26-06-2009, 01:03 PM
Fun in the workplace, if you're stuck with a useless chump..

Talk to said person:
"could you uhh.. do this for me" /hand them several empty sheets of paper and wait for a response.
"what??!?"
"thats the spirit" /smile and tap them on the shoulder and walk away

when they return ask them if they have completed it
"completed what you gave me nothi..."
Interrupt them by handing them several more blank bits of paper and sigh
/pat them on the shoulder and give them a "shoo" gesture with either your hand or head (remember to smile)

Repeat until they understand(or more to the point, don't).

Sometimes stealing items from their desk or office and handing it to them in the same fashion also works (as running out of paper can be annoying).


edit: some peoples definition of "high brow" is a bit ummm.... worse than mine

[DR34M3R]
26-06-2009, 01:04 PM
You can't be two faced or you wouldn't wear that one.

The village called, they want their idiot back.

Deborah
26-06-2009, 01:16 PM
You are mercifully free from the ravages of intelligence.

No thankyou, I am looking for a dreamboat, not a shipwreck.

I really don't mind my own company at this point. However, you can expect a visit from me should I change from being 'alone' to 'woefully desperate'.

I'm sorry, you seem to have stepped out of your league. To increase your chances of success, might I suggest you lower your standards in future?

Do try and cultivate a civilised tongue, you are at the grown-ups table now.

I consider myself to be somewhat of a bullshitter, but do occasionally like to hear from an expert. Please, carry on.

The Saint
26-06-2009, 01:32 PM
One from Blackadder, many years ago:

"He's the most overrated human being since Judas Iscariot won the AD31 'Best Disciple' competition."

Charger
26-06-2009, 01:41 PM
"Your simian countenance suggests a strange deviation in your genealogy..."

(stolen from Calvin & Hobbes)

I think it goes "Your simian countenance suggests a species with a rich history in biodiversity"

Elise
26-06-2009, 02:52 PM
That you'll take it up the tradies till you cry?
Not really.

It kinda speaks volumes about the size of your front bum though.

(high brow enough?)


Posted via Mobile Device

I don't know why I said that really, it just sounded nasty in my head at the time, Thanks for being so graphic tho, I really got nothing but woud like this never mentioned again!

mekon
26-06-2009, 02:54 PM
;1480337']You can't be two faced or you wouldn't wear that one.

The village called, they want their idiot back.


this reminded me of:

"In a village of 'village idiots', you Sir would be the village idiot."

Nath
26-06-2009, 02:55 PM
If there was an award for the worlds biggest schmuck you would come second because you're such a schmuck.

Macca
26-06-2009, 02:55 PM
Talk to said person:
"could you uhh.. do this for me" /hand them several empty sheets of paper and wait for a response.
"what??!?"
"thats the spirit" /smile and tap them on the shoulder and walk away


I am so going to try this tonight at work :D

Yagadan
26-06-2009, 03:05 PM
I am so going to try this tonight at work :D

I'll be your man if i get some free beer....

xphread
26-06-2009, 03:06 PM
One my Dad used to use for this very scenario.

...Crayfish!

Either outloud or muttered... usually with a slow shaking of the head.
Just so us innocent little kiddies wouldnt hear what he was actually thinking...

... head full of shit / shit for brains.

KichigaiNeko
26-06-2009, 03:08 PM
Semi evolved simian!!!

Useles piece of cosmic shit!!

Puny little man thing!

You can speak??? Facinating!

And THAT is the best you can do??


just some of my favourites

Macca
26-06-2009, 03:17 PM
I'll be your man if i get some free beer....

hmm for you colin....yeah i think i can swing that :D

RAVENGSXR
26-06-2009, 07:36 PM
Do you realize that the air you are consuming was allocated for humans ?

If you get any dumber someone will have to water you twice a week

When someone around you says or does something stupid grab your head with both hands and say " oh god I'm so sorry brain i didn't mean to punish you like this "

Magilla
26-06-2009, 10:50 PM
<Blackadder> You really are as thick as clotted cream, that was left out by some clot, until the clots were so clotted up, that you couldn't unclot them with an electric de-clotter. Aren't you.

Really? Can you beg and roll over too? How about you play dead? Grownups are talking.

This may require some thinking. Do you need to call a stunt double?

Your mental acuity suggests that in a battle of wits, a bowl of jelly would be an easy victor.

Cap'n James086
05-07-2009, 02:15 PM
Your mother is a terrible cook.

Good old Trey Parker and Matt Stone, you wouldn't expect one of their quotes to appear in here. Other favourites include:

*Pull up a chair
Have a seat, it looks like all this conversation has worn you out.

“Good morning, “reasons why I drink”, you may have noticed that we have a new face in our group.” - Dr Cox from Scrubs.

browncow
06-07-2009, 10:15 AM
To an ex: "You are a shallow, selfish vapid whore of a person."
Felt GOOOOD.

Captain Starfish
06-07-2009, 10:49 AM
And you think that's "high brow", brown brow?

Buh bow...

chew
06-07-2009, 10:57 AM
Hichhikers Guide

Your so unhip I'm amazed your legs dont fall off.

browncow
06-07-2009, 11:18 AM
And you think that's "high brow", brown brow?

Buh bow...

It was compared to the rest of the insults.
Plus that was the one that everyone at a party heard, just before I walked off.

darth lefty
24-07-2009, 11:22 AM
I wake up every day glad I'm not you.

browncow
24-07-2009, 11:31 AM
But Cam, you are me....

darth lefty
24-07-2009, 11:32 AM
Just a better looking, younger, smarter, fitter and generally more awesome you; yes, I concede you are correct.

Spuddy
24-07-2009, 11:46 AM
That shirt makes you look gay.

browncow
24-07-2009, 11:49 AM
What are you? Some kind of FAAAAAG?!?!?

Spuddy
24-07-2009, 11:51 AM
This is why you're a noob. You spot the opposition building a barracks just outside your Line of Sight, and its at 54% - you're gonna get proxy rushed, theres nothing you can do about it. You have a barracks, a stable, and you're in the feudal age. What do you do?

browncow
24-07-2009, 12:15 PM
Probably just pre-empt their rush, send everything I have to destroy the building before it completes..

Face it, I'm either going down or I'm taking them out...