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Thread: Today's Dad Joke

  1. #1801
    Member BusaSteve's Avatar
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    A plumber dies and is accidentally sent to hell. After a few days God realises the mistake and rings Satan asking to send him up to heaven. Satan says no way!...he's fixed all the leaking taps got the heat running good and next week he's gonna fit new bathrooms. Let me talk to him says God...cant says Satan he's out playing golf. We'll sue if you dont send him back up to us says God...yeah right! says Satan and where you gonna get a lawyer?
    Smoke me a kipper...I'll be home in time for breakfast
    Likes THE GODFATHER, ReCon liked this post

  2. #1802
    Member bigsikkle's Avatar
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    five kids all fall down .
    cuntuplets .

  3. #1803
    Member Sauer's Avatar
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    This is/was my Dad's favorite joke:

    "Did you know that the thermoflask is the most amazing invention known to man. It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold. Isn't that amazing??"
    "No Dad it isn't, it just keeps stuff hot or cold"
    "Yes, but how does it know?"

    *****

    Made my daughter crack up on a drive recently. Saw a huge pack of kangaroos in a field and all but one have their head down eating grass. This one is bolt upright.
    Daughter says "look at the Roo standing up".
    I reply "No...eff you John....I'm a Meerkat!"
    She laughed so hard then wanted to turn back to take a photo so she could make a meme :/
    __________________________________________________ ____________
    "No, no. Not Sawyer like the valley. Sour like sweet and sour, only European"

  4. #1804
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    Grandpa comes home to find grandma doing a handstand , naked against a wall.
    Shocked , he asks , what are you doing ?
    She says, i know you can`t get it up ,so maybe you can drop it in !
    Likes BusaSteve, GreenMeanie liked this post

  5. #1805
    Member bigsikkle's Avatar
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    the difference between jogging in the countryside and gordon ramsay ?
    one is a pant in the country .

  6. #1806
    Member gareth_oau's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bigsikkle View Post
    the difference between jogging in the countryside and gordon ramsay ?
    one is a pant in the country .
    the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?

    One clucks defiance

  7. #1807
    Member GsxInShed's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gareth_oau View Post
    the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?

    One clucks defiance
    Fux the clients...?
    " Nobody wants my opinion,yet you think they all want to hear yours."

  8. #1808
    Member Sprint's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GsxInShed View Post
    Fux the clients...?


    S.
    Buy my KTM RC8. Stunning condition. Stock as a rock. https://www.perthstreetbikes.com/for...d.php?t=186147


    Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

  9. #1809
    Member BusaSteve's Avatar
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    Difference between Billy Smarts circus and a brothel?

    Ones a show of cunning stunts!
    Smoke me a kipper...I'll be home in time for breakfast

  10. #1810
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    Quote Originally Posted by gareth_oau View Post
    the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?

    One clucks defiance
    There's only one lawyer joke, all the rest are true stories...
    The only thing wrong with a perfect ride to work is that you end up at work.
    G T

  11. #1811
    Member BusaSteve's Avatar
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    What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?


    A labracadabrador.
    Smoke me a kipper...I'll be home in time for breakfast

  12. #1812
    Member bigsikkle's Avatar
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    i was lying in bed this morning when i told the wife i loved her .

  13. #1813
    Member GsxInShed's Avatar
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    My lazy mate is an electrician....It's shocking how bad he is.
    " Nobody wants my opinion,yet you think they all want to hear yours."

  14. #1814
    Member BusaSteve's Avatar
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    Gambling has brought my family closer together...we had to move into a caravan.
    Smoke me a kipper...I'll be home in time for breakfast
    Likes Mr Bean, acegalaxi liked this post

  15. #1815
    Member GsxInShed's Avatar
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    I recently had about of dyslexia..do I have to spell out it..?
    " Nobody wants my opinion,yet you think they all want to hear yours."

  16. #1816
    Member bigsikkle's Avatar
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    i'm finding church very tiresome lately . the priests make you stand then sit then kneel then stand then sit etc etc .
    i wish they would just choose a position and fuck me .
    Likes GreenMeanie liked this post

  17. #1817
    Member BusaSteve's Avatar
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    Vernon works hard at the Phone Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

    His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

    The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Vern! How ya doing?"

    His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

    "Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league."

    When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

    His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

    "I recognize her she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

    A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Vern want your usual table dance, big boy?"

    Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club he follows and spots her getting into a cab and before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

    He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but she's having none of it.

    She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

    The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'




    VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE FRIDAY AT 2:00 PM
    Smoke me a kipper...I'll be home in time for breakfast
    Likes Sprint, Para045 liked this post

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